


Stop Pretending That Life Doesn't Terrify You

by kyewopen



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Band, Anxiety, Depression, Five Times + 1, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Therapy, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 19:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12195972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyewopen/pseuds/kyewopen
Summary: Five times Tyler is thinking about seeing a therapist and one time he does





	Stop Pretending That Life Doesn't Terrify You

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was 'Stop pretending that life doesn't terrify you' (It's my sister who asked me to do it)

1.

 

Nobody knows that it's happening at first.

Tyler sure doesn't think anything of it at first. He's tired. He's just tired. After all, he just spent the entire day trying to get something out of his mind for the creative writing class he chose to attend with Josh this year. Josh was the one to convince him to pick this class. Tyler didn't really think it was a good idea at first because he has always been self-conscious about his writing. Of course, when he thinks about it, Josh has always been excited about his writing but isn't it what he's supposed to do? As his friend? To support him and try to convince him that he's gifted? Maybe he's not. Maybe Josh is just being supportive because it's what Tyler expects him to be. Maybe he does think that his writing is bad, that Tyler sucks at this and that he should stop. Maybe he should.

These kind of thoughts were not very unusual for Tyler. If you were a friend of his, you knew that the kid was anxious. Maybe more anxious than what is known as the 'usual amount of stress' that people can face sometimes in their lives. And maybe Tyler should have thought something about it.

But Tyler loves writing. He always has loved it even though he doesn't know if he's any good at it. That's why he finally decided to say yes to his friend and here he is now, in this class, in front of this blank sheet of paper that seems to stare back at him. He thought that words would come out as fast as when he's writing in his room. But they're not. Today, they're not. And so he closes his eyes and tries to focus on Josh's hand who is tracing small patterns on his back, just to get something. Anything.

He tries to think but his skin feels weird, as if his body is just an empty vessel without anyone in it, as if he's out of his own body, looking at this small frame seating on this chair next to a red-haired guy he doesn't even recognize.

But this feeling doesn't last very long and he's soon being brought back to reality when the teacher talks and asks if anyone wants to read what they just wrote. And then, Tyler is looking down at this page, this empty page. And that's when it hits him. The tiredness. The physical exhaustion but also the mental one.

It's not the first time he's feeling like this but he ignores it one more time like he always does. But then he's back in his dorm with Josh and his friend is telling him jokes and random facts and he tries to listen to him but he just can't focus on anything.

 

'Hey dude, you're okay?' Josh says, concerned.

'Yeah, sorry, just lost tack of time for a moment.' Tyler answers.

'You sure you're okay?' Josh asks again and Tyler is looking up to him and he's wondering whether he should tell him how he really feels, whether he should tell him that he's getting scared of himself sometimes.

'I... I just feel weird. But I'm okay. Don't worry about it.' He says.

'You know you could talk to someone, right? It doesn't have to be me. Maybe... Maybe you could talk to someone more qualified than me.' Josh says, almost hesitant and Tyler snickers

'You mean like a fucking shrink?' Tyler asks in a condescending tone.

'Yes, Tyler, I mean like a fucking shrink.' Josh says and he's looking at his friend with such a serious look that Tyler almost feels guilty.

 

Tyler doesn't really believe in therapy. He doesn't really know why, probably because his father has spent all his life telling him that 'boys don't cry', that he had to act like a real man if he wanted to be respected in society, that men didn't need help because it would be a sign of weakness or something. And he knows that his dad didn't want to sound rude and misogynistic, he surely didn't think of all the consequences these remarks could bring about. His father is just like that.

Maybe that's why Tyler is being so stubborn. But maybe it isn't. Because now Tyler is thinking about it, he's never had a problem with Josh being gay. And he doesn't even know if his dad has a problem with gay people. He probably does, he thinks. But when his friend came out to him a few years ago, not so long after they met in this party, Tyler didn't think anything bad of it. Tyler has always been okay with it.

So maybe by thinking it is his dad's fault, Tyler is only looking for a way to blame someone else than himself.

Maybe it's his fault.

 

Maybe he's the one who doesn't want to get help.

 

 

2.

 

Tyler is in his dorms again. He's laying down on his bed and by the small snores he can hear at the other side of the room, he knows that Josh is already asleep for a long time. He doesn't know how late it is but he's doesn't want to take his cellphone to check the time. He's scared he might realize that he's awake for more than three hours. It's not the first time he has them. These sleepless nights. But they've been more and more frequent lately and he knows it. Of course he knows it. He just wants to pretend to be fine for a little while longer. He just wants to pretend he doesn't need help for a little while longer. Because maybe if he keeps pretending, he will eventually start to believe it himself.

Tyler wants to be fine but then he can feel his heart pounding in his chest and he can feel this lump in his throat and he tries his best to ignore it by closing his eyes. Because that's why his father was telling him when he was young and he couldn't sleep because of these nightmares. His father was always telling him that he just had to close his eyes for a while and then, he would eventually fall asleep. But tonight, it's not working. And Tyler is wondering if it has ever worked before.

And then he starts crying, and he doesn't even know why. Maybe because he's never been so tired but his body doesn't want to let it go and relax. Maybe because he starts to think that something is wrong. Maybe because he feels like he's overreacting. He surely does. But why does it have to feel so real? At this very moment, there is nothing that feels more real than this sadness. It's not the kind of sadness that he's used to. No, this one is bigger, deeper and terrifying. This one is slowly making his way underneath his skin and now his body feels so heavy that he doesn't think he can carry the weight of it during the whole day sometimes. This one is starting to make him believe that's his whole life is pointless, that he's worthless, and stupid and ugly. And Tyler is terrified.

And he only starts to realize that he's sobbing and breathing with difficulty when he hears someone slamming a door and he's putting one of his hands over his mouth to cover the sounds because the last thing he wants is to wake Josh up. But Tyler is the one who usually can fall asleep at any moment of the day, even if someone is playing the drums in the room next to his. Josh isn't. And this door's slamming was enough for his friend to wake up with a start.

And Tyler doesn't want him to notice he's crying. He doesn't want anyone to notice he's crying. Because he feels stupid. He feels weak and he doesn't want anyone to think he just wants to draw attention. But then he's breathing heavily and he knows. He knows Josh heard him.

 

'Tyler?' Josh says, whispering and Tyler is placing both of his hands over his mouth to try and muffle any sounds coming out of his mouth. 'Tyler, are you okay?' His friend asks.

 

And for a while, there is only this silence surrounding the both of them. But this silence is deafening and suddenly Tyler can't help but to let it all go and the second after, he's bursting into tears and Josh is there, right next to him.

 

'What's happening to me?' Tyler says. And he's so _so_ scared.

'I don't know. But we're going to figure this out.' Josh answers while stroking his hair, gently. 'Okay?'

'Okay.' Tyler says. 'Can you... Can you maybe sleep with me, tonight?' He asks, unsure.

 

It's not the first time he wants to ask this question to his best-friend but it's the first time he actually does. But he's not really scared of Josh's reaction. After all, they have always been more tactile and touchy feely than two best-friends are probably supposed to. There have been a lot of hugs, of holding hands and sweet nicknames in the past but they've never really talked about what they truly wanted to happen. Maybe they never did because a part of them already knew what the other one wanted.

 

'Of course I can, sweetheart.' Josh says.

 

Tyler is lifting his duvet and waits for his friend to join him to cover the both of them with it once again. And then he looks at Josh with such a scared expression on his face, and he's letting him place one of his hands on his cheek and kiss him on the forehead.

 

'Josh, am I going mad?' He asks and then Josh is holding him tight in his arms.

'You're not.' He says. 'But I really think you should see someone, Ty.'

 

And this time, Tyler doesn't say no. He just doesn't answer anything and buries his face into Josh's neck.

 

'I love you.' He says, almost hesitant. Because they've said it before but Tyler feels like this one is so much more meaningful than the other ones.

'I love you too.'

 

And then he's sleeping.

 

 

3.

 

Today is an okay day. Nothing really happened in the morning for Tyler to feel bad. But nothing really happened for Tyler to feel good either. That's why he's thinking that today is an okay day when he's seating next to Josh in this cafeteria. And then he's looking down at his plate and he doesn't feel hungry anymore. And when he's thinking about it, he didn't feel very hungry this morning, he just assumed he was because he usually is. But right now, he's looking at his fries and he just loses all of his appetite. He doesn't think anything of it at first and still tries to eat a little bit so he doesn't have to feel weak during the afternoon. It's only when his friends are looking at him with confused looks that he realizes that maybe something is wrong.

Because he's letting out some signs that may lead his friends to think that he's not feeling well. So far, the dark thoughts and the mental exhaustion he's experienced were invisible to his friends. He could walk on these corridors with his head full of mixed-up emotions and no one would see them. But now he's looking down at the table without eating anything and of course, Josh is the first one to say something.

 

'You're not eating?' He asks.

'No, I'm not... Not that hungry.' Tyler answers.

'Everything's okay?' Josh says while placing one of his hands at the back of Tyler's neck.

'Yeah. Don't worry about me.'

 

And Tyler knows Josh is probably already worried about him for the past few days. Since Tyler burst into tears that night, they've never really talked about it. Tyler knows Josh is trying his best to reach out to him but he's doing everything he can to ignore the hints and to postpone the conversation that he would have to face at some point.

 

'Are you guys like a thing now?' Mark says and then the two friends are looking at each other for a few seconds and just shrug their shoulders at the same time. Because they know they also have to talk about the nature of their relationship at some point but they both know that it's not the most important thing to deal with at this very moment.

 

It's a chance that Tyler doesn't have a lot of classes this afternoon and so he's back into his dorms three hours later, Josh joining him soon enough. Nobody dares talking for a few minutes but Tyler knows that Josh won't stay silent about what he's going through these past few weeks and he doesn't think he's ready for it. But again, he doesn't really have a choice and Josh is soon taking a seat next to him on his bed, looking at him in the eyes with a concerned look. And sometimes, Tyler wishes Josh could stop worrying about him all the time. He wishes he didn't have to talk about his feelings and about the things he tries so hard to hide. He knows Josh only wants to help, he knows he only wants to give him all the support he needs, but the things is Tyler doesn't have a clue what he's going through at this moment and he is even convinced that Josh understands it better than he does.

 

'Tyler, I need to talk to you about something. It's important.' Josh says and Tyler looks up to him, wondering whether he should be afraid of Josh's tone of voice.

'What is it?' Tyler asks, trying to sound nonchalant but he can already feel his heart beating very fast in his chest.

'Did you... Did you maybe think that it could be depression?' Josh says.

 

And Tyler doesn't answer anything. Because he all knows too well what Josh means by depression. Like his dad, for a long moment, Tyler thought that depression was just a myth. That it wasn't a real disease, that people were just overreacting. But then, Josh and him often had these serious conversations about things he wasn't talking about usually. Tyler learnt that Josh had seen a therapist himself after the divorce of his parents. And it made him wonder. It made him question himself. It made him question his and his father's ways of thinking. It made him think that maybe he was the one to be very wrong about it. Maybe depression did exist.

 

'Listen Tyler, I know you're wondering whether therapy is really working, and... And maybe it doesn't work for everyone, I'm not saying it does but the thing is... It did help me, Tyler. It helped me a lot. And maybe you're not depressive, that's not what I'm trying to tell you but... A friend of mine suffered from depression a while ago and... Sometimes, I can't help but noticing the similarities. And... Tyler, there's nothing wrong with being helped.'

'But I can't, Josh...' At that point, Tyler can already feel the tears in his eyes and he's looking down to his cushion and he just can't look at Josh right now. 'I can't help myself from thinking it's weak.'

'It's not weak, Tyler. It's brave. Admitting that you need help, it's so _so_ brave.'

'But is it?' Tyler asks, not sure about what his friend is trying to say.

'Of course it is. It means you're allowing yourself to be vulnerable, Ty. And I think that's the biggest strength of all. You don't have to act like you're perfectly fine all the time, Ty.'

'It's just... Scary. It's so fucking scary Josh.'

'What is scary, Tyler?' Josh asks.

'Everything! People, the university, the small talks, the world... Everything around me is scary.'

'Then maybe you should stop, Ty.'

'Stop what?' Tyler says with a small voice, confused.

'Stop pretending that life doesn't terrify you.'

 

And then Tyler can't take it anymore and he's bursting into tears and burying his face into Josh's neck who is soon holding him in his arms. They stay in this position for a few minutes and Tyler tries to control his breathing and to stop himself from crying some more.

 

'Will you help me? And stay around?' Tyler asks, letting go of Josh's embrace.

'Of course I will.'

 

And then Josh is placing his two hands on both of his cheeks and Tyler lets him kiss him. And for a few seconds, Tyler feels safe. And if this kiss means taking their relationship to a new level, then both of them are ignoring it and kiss some more.

 

 

4.

 

For one moment, Tyler thinks the pain disappeared. Maybe because he got to spend his holidays with his family, maybe because of this new developed relationship with Josh that none of them had tried to redefine yet but maybe it's only because he's always busy and he doesn't have much time to think about what is going on. But it didn't. Disappear. The pain is still there and it's when Tyler goes back to his dorm after two weeks off spent with his family that he realizes it. Because he's all alone in this room and Josh only comes back in five hours and he doesn't know what to do to keep his mind busy and then he can feel it. The pain. And it's coming back at full speed.

He tries to ignore it but this room is so small and the walls are so clean and there's so much silence and he feels so empty yet full of emotions. And so he just lays down on his bed and stares at the ceiling, but he can't cry. He needs it. He wishes he could cry to let go of all the feels which are stuck inside him and he feels like his body is too small to contain all of these emotions. But he can't express them. They're trapped inside his own body.

He doesn't realize he falls asleep until he can feel a hand stroking his hair, gently. He manages to open his eyes after a few seconds and a small smile appears on his face when he sees Josh standing in front of him.

 

'Hey man, how was your holidays?' Josh says.

'It was good, I just slept most of the time and hanged out with my brother. I missed him. How was yours?' Tyler asks.

'All good. Spent one week at my mom's and one at my dad's.'

 

Tyler rubs his eyes to feel completely awake and gets up to face Josh, but stays still for a few seconds. They kissed a lot during the last few days before holidays but now they've been separated for a couple of weeks, Tyler doesn't really know how to act around him anymore. Maybe it was just a temporary thing, he thinks. Maybe Josh regrets all of this, he thinks. But he doesn't have time to let his mind wander a lot more that his friend is already kissing him and he can't help himself but to kiss him back. Because if there is one thing that still feels good lately, it's to kiss his best-friend whenever he wants, and whenever he needs.

 

'I missed you.' Tyler says, between kisses.

'I missed you too.' Josh answers while placing his two hands on Tyler's waist, kissing him some more.

'Josh, wait.' Tyler says while Josh was about to kiss his neck, taking one step away from him. 'I can't do this.' Tyler adds and Josh's smile disappears as soon as he says these few words. 'That's not what you're thinking, Josh. I do like it. Kissing you. I like it. But... I mean, what are we?' He asks, almost shyly, and Josh smiles again.

'What do you want us to be?' He asks.

'I don't know, I... I mean, I do know. I... I want us to be together. As a couple, you know? I thought you should know that because I don't want to kiss you and... To do the... To do the do with you and then discover that you did any of that with someone else just because I didn't tell you that I want us to be exclusive.' Tyler says, and looks down when Josh laughs a little at him. 'Stop laughing, you douche. Is... Is that okay with you?' Tyler asks and he can feel himself becoming very nervous.

'More than okay.' Josh says with a huge smile on his face, and then they're back at kissing.

 

Only, it gets more heated than usual and Tyler doesn't really have time to register what's happening that he's already laid down on his bed without any shirt on, Josh straddling his thighs and leaving small kisses all over his chest. Don't get mistaken, Tyler was used to the make-out sessions with him but this time, he can feel that it can lead to something more and he feels suddenly very anxious about what is happening at this very moment and if his breath was already becoming more irregular because of what Josh was doing to him, he's now gasping for air. And he doesn't have to say anything that Josh is already getting off of him, letting him regaining his breath.

 

'M'sorry.' Tyler says.

'Don't worry.' Josh says, smiling and laying down next to him. 'It was too much?'

'Yeah.' Tyler simply says. 'You mind taking it slowly?' He asks.

'I don't. As long as I can still kiss you' Josh says and Tyler lets out a small laugh.

'I never thought you could be so cheesy.' He answers and laughs a little more when Josh pouts, trying to seem mad at him.

 

He then takes his hand in his and kisses him a few times before gazing into space, wondering whether he should talk to Josh about the weird feeling he had just before this one came back from his dad's house.

 

'You're doing okay?' Josh asks.

'Yeah.' Tyler starts. 'Josh, I've been thinking.' He adds and he knows that he doesn't need to add something else for Josh to understand what he's referring to.

'Yeah?' This one asks.

'I think I need help.' Tyler tells him after a few seconds of silence. And as soon as he says these words, a few tears are rolling down his cheeks and Josh wipes them off with his thumb, smiling at him. 'But I don't know if I'm ready to ask for it yet.'

'That's okay. You've already done so much just by admitting you need help, Tyler. I'm so proud of you. Don't put additional pressure on yourself by rushing it all, okay?' Josh asks.

 

'Okay.'

 

 

5.

 

When Tyler opens his eyes this morning, his body feels too weak and he doesn't want to get up. He doesn't feel like getting up, he doesn't even know if he can. He can hear his cellphone ring a few more times, warning him that it's definitely time to get up and take a shower if he doesn't want to be late one more time. And he doesn't want to be late. But right now, the simple idea of getting up is taking him too much energy and so he just stays in bed. Tyler has always had some trouble to get up, as every other students he thinks, but the perspective of reading, or writing or playing some music would usually give him the strength and the motivation to dress and to start the day. But right now, he doesn't feel like doing anything, even the things he likes seem pointless. Everything seems pointless to him at this moment, and everything seems exhausting.

 

Tyler doesn't realize he closed his eyes and he only opens them once again when he hears the bathroom's door being open and then Josh is getting out of this room and looks at him a while before seating on his bed.

 

'You're tired?' Josh asks, and Tyler nods.

'I don't feel like getting up.' He says.

'Do you want me to stay?' Josh asks and he doesn't try to convince him to go to class.

'No, you can go.' Tyler answers.

'Okay. We have the same periods today, I'll just take notes for the both of us.' Josh says. 'I know it's hard but try to get up, okay? Maybe read or work on some new songs. Take a shower, go out and take some fresh air. Try to do something. Small things. Okay?'

 

And Tyler nods once again. He's convinced that Josh knows he probably won't get up of this bed, maybe only to pee and to eat something but he still nods. Just to give his friend some hope. Just to give himself some hope. He thanks Josh when this one says he will come back for lunch and Tyler lets him kiss him before watching his friend disappearing of his field of vision.

And then Tyler is all alone again. He takes a deep breath and sweeps the room with his eyes until they fall on this book on his bedside table. He takes it in his hands for a few minutes and tries to read some lines but quickly puts it back down. Because he can't focus on anything for more than five minutes. He can feel the wind on his face, Josh opened the window before leaving to let in some fresh air. He looks up to see this picture on the wall, the picture of his family and then he's thinking about them and he's scared. He's scared his brother or his sister might feel like that at some point. He doesn't want them to feel like this, ever. He wouldn't ever wish for someone to feel like this, even his worst enemies. Because right now, he doesn't want to be alive. He doesn't want to be dead. But he doesn't want to be alive. And so he's just laying on his bed for a few hours, without doing anything.

He tries to get up at some point because he knows Josh would want him to do something. He slowly sits on his bed and leans against the wall for a few minutes before putting his feet on the ground, gathering all the strength he has left to actually get up. He slowly makes his way to the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror and he suddenly feels some tears in his eyes. Because he never really liked what he saw in it but this time, the hatred is so much bigger and he just can't stand looking at himself and he just wants to break this mirror with his fists and he's bursting into tears. And that's when Josh comes back in.

 

'Josh, what's happening to me?' Tyler asks, sobbing. 'I don't understand how this can be happening' He says with a scared voice and lets Josh do the same thing he always does when he finds Tyler like this. He's holding him in his arms. But this time, Tyler doesn't feel safe. 'What's happening to me?'

'It's going to be okay.' Josh says with a broken voice. 'It's going to be okay.' He repeats.

'I'm so scared.' Tyler adds.

'I know.' Josh answers. 'It's going to be okay. We'll get through this.'

'But will we? I don't know If I can do this, Josh. I can't beat this.'

'You can. And you will.'

'How can you be so sure?' Tyler asks.

'Because you're not the one talking, Tyler. The pain is. It makes you think it will last. But it won't. Pain lies. Try to ignore it.'

'I need help, Josh.'

'Then we'll get you some help.'

 

 

+1

 

Tyler is seating on this chair and his eyes are looking at the name of this therapist written on the door. This one can open the door at any moment and Tyler is wondering whether to run away from this room. He knows it's a good idea and even if it doesn't help him or if he feels like the therapist doesn't take him seriously, at least he would have tried. That's what Josh was always telling him for two weeks now.

Tyler is torn between too many emotions. A part of him wants to go in there and tells this therapist everything so he can help him or at least give him some advice. A part of him wants to go because it can be reassuring to hear the opinion of a professional in a way, just to know depression does exist and that this disease can be overcome. But he can't help but thinking that it may be a terrible idea, because once he will cross this door, there will be no going back. Maybe this therapist will tell him to go and see a psychiatrist and maybe this psychiatrist will diagnose him with depression. And then, it will make all of it too real. He won't be able to ignore it anymore. And maybe it's better for him to avoid this appointment and pretend that everything is fine rather than going in and discover that he's sick.

 

'Oh great, you're not in yet, how are you feeling?' Josh asks, taking a seat on the chair next to him.

'Scared. I don't know what I'm supposed to say.' Tyler answers.

'Just tell him how you're feeling.'

'But I don't even know what I'm feeling, Josh, that's the thing. When I'm laying down on my bed and I can't get up, it feels awful. I know it does. It feels like death. But then, there are days like this one, _okay days_ , when I don't feel that bad and I can't remember how I was feeling. I can't remember what was wrong. I can't put words on what I was feeling. I can't explain it. And so I can almost convince myself that I'm doing good. That I'm fine. And then, it's coming back. The sadness. But I can't... I don't know how to... Words seem pointless, you know?'

'Then tell him what you just told me. You can start with this. And maybe then some things will come up. Maybe you'll remember some of it.' Josh answers.

Tyler remains quiet and looks down at his feet, trying to stay calm. He can hear some people talking in the room but he tries not to listen cause he wouldn't want anyone to hear what he was about to say to this therapist. So he tries to focus on something else, giving the person in there some privacy.

But then, he can hear someone's footsteps and a student comes out of the room, glancing at them before going out of the building. Tyler stays still for a few seconds and tries his best not to panic because he knows the therapist could get up to tell him to go in at any moment now. He looks at Josh and this one is bending over to kiss him quickly, holding his hand.

 

'You're so brave for doing this, Ty. Don't forget it, okay?'

'Okay.'

'Tyler Joseph? You can come in.' The therapist says while giving him a small reassuring smile and Tyler gets up and shake his hand, looking at Josh one more time before closing the door. He's taking a seat in front of this therapist and gives him a small smile, waiting for him to say something.

'So, what's bringing you here, Tyler?' He asks, smiling.

 

And Tyler knows that he's not going to be judged. This room feels safe and it doesn't take him a long time to start talking, following Josh's advice. Because he knows it. That it might be the start of a huge battle but at least now he isn't enduring it without doing anything.

Now, he's trying to fight it.

 

Maybe he can.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Another one of these five times +1 fics, I may need to stop writing this kind of fics. I hope you liked it!
> 
> (By the way, this quote: 'It makes you think it will last. But it won't. Pain lies. Try to ignore it.' was inspired by Matt Haig's Reasons to stay alive's book. It might be my favorite line of his book, so I used it, thanks Matt)


End file.
